[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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everyone has that one prude friend
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[eats all your cotton candy]
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty