Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
You Might Also Like
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁