Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦