I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Tremendous stuff
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago