The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You Might Also Like
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other