“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
You Might Also Like
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.