what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account