Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon