Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

is this how new cars are made??

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!