what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail