Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English