Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
5 ways to appear taller
Good point.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.