Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy