Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Breaking news:
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.