[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*