Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
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The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”