What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.