if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
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According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*