if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.