if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Bread puns are on the rise!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.