blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
You Might Also Like
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant