If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
You Might Also Like
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My last name is Zilla.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
no their not
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Lmfaoooooo
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.