My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Britain be like
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.