Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
he looks great for his age
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Google Pay be like:
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry