I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
You Might Also Like
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Duck typos.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.