Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*