Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni