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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.