Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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I have a new favorite meme page
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.