I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You Might Also Like
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party