we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
they should invent a rest for the wicked