While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”