China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.