China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point