When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me too
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know