I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Body by Oreos
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances: