Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Body by Oreos
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?