My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Oh boy, $150,000!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes