і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
🏙👨🏼
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.