Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
You Might Also Like
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it