“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.