When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.