He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
the icebreaker
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The 6 types of sex
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Yup….perfect score!
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
love it when they get my name right
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside