The 6 types of sex
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
she has a point
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Fluff me with a fork baby
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.