Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
mmm onion ringos
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.