This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Growing out my freckles.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee