You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Room with a view.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”