I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.