1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
A drum solo but on your face.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wait a minute
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.