A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Just got to our Airbnb!
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning