Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me buying fruit and veg
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
They’re called werewolves.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Woke up with morning Yule Log