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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.