A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing