Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Is this a threat?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
synchronized noseblowing
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me trying to walk in a dream
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
who named him groot and not spruce lee