Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
that colleague who touches your screen
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”